Come this August, it'll have been 5 years ago since I met Letty.
Now, I know that name means nothing, at least not to you... But trust me, I'll try to explain. Letty wasn't just any girl, she was a smartass, sarcastic, playful to a fault, cynical, defeatist, short-attention spanned, tomboyish girl. But that must paint her in a bad light. Maybe that's how you should see it first...
I met Letty in August, when I was out for a walk. I ran into a pretty girl in the tiny forested area near my house. She had long, waist length black hair. When she noticed me walking along the paths down there she gave me a look that could pierce anyones heart. Her eyes were grey, I'll never, ever forget that.
We started talking, and began to get to know each other, she would say the oddest things and make weird jokes about things that didn't make sense. She was ideal in so many ways, it was unbelievable. We spent the day together.
Day turned into days. Me and her began to see each other more and more, under the promise that we never tell anyone of the other. We began to talk about many things. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya came up at some point and she convinced me to read it, for my sake not hers. And I don't know how she knew I would but I loved it. It still means a lot to me today.
We started talking more about each other, how much we thought. What we dreamt of. Until the topics reached their capacity and we reached the summit of it. We had to talk about each other, and how we felt of each other.
Mid-October is when this happened, I'd love to jump ahead and skip all the way to the fateful last 2 years but it's important. We were out discussing plans for Halloween, she wanted to go and trick or treat while she still could. Even at her age, she had a very 'womanly' figure.
I had already made plans and promises to my family about halloween though, so she let me out of going with her. But not without teasing about how I was just avoiding her and that I was going to break her heart if I did that.
But that's when I said it. I just blurted it out loud like it was the stupidest most obvious thing ever. I told her, simply "I'd never do that. I love you hun." (She hated names, thought them too impersonal.)
She was, of course stopped in her tracks as she looked at me silently. It was one of the few times I disliked how her eyes seemed to stop me from reading her moods. She smiled softly though, and blushed lightly. And reciprocated, miraculously.
This wasn't the first time I had loved someone though, so I was worried about it. We talked of going out for a bit before she told me we could, but only as a trial run.
I picked up the on pet name I have never told anyone until now, mainly because it was her name for me, not anyone elses. Everyone had nicknamed me after dogs or royalty or just stuff from my childhood. But she gave me a unique name, one I'm still proud to hold; Yuuken. Which spawned her calling me everything fom Yuu to Kenken.
By December we were well established with each other. We weren't dating, but we were friends. With a few liberties. Nothing as serious as that would mean to me now but still.
In the freezing cold, when the wind was blowing. Me and Letty had the first kiss we'd ever have. I remember thinking that again, she smelled like cherries. And that she was cute when she'd blush like that. It was the start of what'd be a long line of different things that all changed us.
Around Februar 10th, me and her celebrated her birthday. We didn't do much, but it happened. We had learned to calm each other now and she had instilled many calming techniques in me so she could diffuse situations while I calmed down.
She was always trying her hardest to do things with me, make me smile and make sure I was happy. It was odd, to be so cared for. And it scared me. Is this what I think it is? I'd find out later it wasn't.
April turned to May, which turned to June. She already knew all there was to know about me, and vice versa. We were a perfect pair but the problems came in when I told her I was thinking about other girls more. Hanging out with them so to speak (though long distance is odd).
I expected her to be angry, be crushed and be sad. But she wasn't. She flashed me a smile that was so genuine, so well fit it caught me off guard. And she told me that she would let me go then, and she would support whatever I do, 100%
And she did, romance bloomed and died for me, and she was always there to tell me it was okay. And that I was better than that. And that she was always going to be here for me.
And it made me wonder about her. Wonder why she did it.
July had started coming to an end. And I looked back on the year with her, and realized that maybe things were alright.
As August came in again me and her celeberated on a random day a year of being... well, whatever we were. She wouldn't even say what it was because she didn't think it was friends but not anything like dating or lovers. She settled for siblings. But it still doesn't feel right to me.
Eventually I found myself in December again, and with 2 new best friends. People who were a handful both in and out of school. It was fun. Distracting. But I had begun something greater than any of us could know.(wait for it.)
But Letty understood. She let me to my friends, and never worried or bugged me, and for a long time, me and her didn't speak. This year went by fast due to that. I was so caught up in experimenting with people, and my friends that it wasn't until February did I talk to her again.
And she talked about her new friends, and her life and how everything was great. But as time rolled on, we talked about how she missed me. And I missed her. And we talked about each other, and again. I left her on a decisively bad note. I told her I was feeling like I could die.
To which she nodded solemnly and said: "That'd make me sad, Avery."
I realized I had hurt her with that one... But couldn't do a thing. I had changed. So had she.
Eventually June ended without me even remembering to talk to her much. It was startling, but I got a lot of things done. Mostly dismantling my life, making myself hurt more and more because I was sick of being alive, sick of hurting. But come August, I found myself in the same familiar spot. And She came too. And we talked.
And for the first time I broke down to her, and she held me as I sobbed into her shoulder and cursed everything. And couldn't stop swearing about everything.
Be the time school began again in September I was dating a girl I had known longer then I had known Letty. (This girl has moved forward since then, and is with me again but I am certain of myself now).
And Letty patiently helped me piece my life together. Made sure I was okay. And taught me a philosiphy I hadn't thought of, this is my only life, so I should live it.
I began moving fast, she was always in step, joyous and cheerful but I could sense the melancholy in her at the time. It disheartened me but I tried to help her as best as I could. I started messing with people, see what would happen. Letty liked this idea. And she did NOT like Tara, so she condoned my actions.
Come December... Letty offered herself to me. She asked me if I would sleep with her. And she was blushing in that way that was really cute to me. And she smelled of cherries again (I later found that she knew I liked them and wore it to "capture" me). And she looked positively serious and when I asked her "What?" she told me as bluntly as she could she wanted to give me her virginity. And that she hated that my attention went to all these other people who wouldn't love me like she did.
I refused her and left as quietly as I could. She followed me, and even said bye calmly as I took her home. It was the first time I would ever question myself around her. It was the first time I wondered if I had made the right choice.
Come February, I had been effectively dumped by the girl I was dating. And there was Letty, happy as ever to be around me, no mention of whether she wanted to date me or not besides little hints and jabs. Me and her got into fist fights to let out stress. It was fun and we would feel better after, even if we did hit each other a bit too hard.
As days with her became more frequent it happened, I saw her naked. I'm still not sure if it was an accident. She came out of her shower when she forgot I was in her room and walked in stark naked. She blushed a bit, but proceeded to tease me and hug onto me. She refused to put clothes on for the rest of the day. I had slept beside her before but that night it was when she was naked, and I was. But we didn't have sex. We didn't touch each other. We were close enough to feel the warmth, but far enough to not feel the skin.
By the time I began tracking months again, it was late may, and she was feeling worse and worse. Getting sick a lot and dizzy. I remember having to carry her home one day when she got really dizzy and collapsed on the sidewalk. I remember her mumbling on and on about things.
In June, I left to go to Boston for a week trip with my friends/the school. She promised me she'd wait on me and giggled when I kissed her cheek like I used to so long ago
When I got back, and went through and finished all my graduation crap. She was there again. Waiting for me. She gave me a small necklace with a dragon pendant. Told me I could do with it as I please.
Over the summer I got together with another girl. And Letty, ever the encouraging one, urged me towards her. Told me to give the girl the necklace she gave me. I did and I think that girl still has it. Me and Letty dated for a while, but... in a rare fight between me and her, we broke up.
I couldn't be with her, I couldn't love her. She didn't need me. She didn't need anyone. I was an accesory in her life and it hurt me to think of that. It really did.
Besides, the girl from earlier... she showed interest again but... could I really?
August again, and when it finally broke we were in highschool. It amazed me. But I couldn't focus on it. New people, new things. Except she always stayed the same when I saw her, and hung out with her.
During November, I met Gen. I don't care if she hates me using her real name here, I met her. She seemed nice at first, honest.
Me and Gen started going out. And Letty was behind me, 100% just like always. But she didn't like Gen to begin with, she thought Gen was going to be trouble. I should've listened to Letty....
January rolls in as easily as always, and me and Letty talk more. And after a bit she tells me she hates everyone else... Because it seems that everyone but her gets all of me.
We talk this out before she falls asleep. I realize now I should have been nicer to her. She did everything for me. I did a lot for her, and I'm sure she'd write it out if the roles right now were reversed but tjey aren't...
I remember always feeling like she was thanking me, and thinking I was a chump. But I feel I could've been a better person to her emotionally. But I had Gen to deal with too so I couldn't focus.
February came.. I'll alway remember that February.....
Her birthday came and after I showed up late, she tried to forcibly have sex with me. Pleading me and then trying to force it. I don't regret hitting her that day, not even now.
After we sorted it all out and no one was veritably raped.. She handed me papers. And then explained that she has about a year to live.
For her 15th birthday, Letty was diagnosed with cancer on her eyestalk.
She said they caught it early and it could be treated and cured if they tried really hard and acted quickly. But she insisted that they don't.
I remember her words..: "If I can't overcome it, then I'm too weak to live."
A mantra I'd adopt much later. But after her we got through the comforting and the niceties she asked for a kiss. Just one and nothing more, if hugs didn't count as too much more. And I gave it to her, a calm, though a bit long, kiss. And held her until I felt her stop shivering against me.
It was harsh.
Eventually we made it through into May without problems. But being with Gen was straining me. And Letty knew it. In retrospect, I think Letty was acting more the girlfriend than Gen was from May until June that year. It was oddly nice.
That girl from before? Broke up with me in January of Year 3? She came back in June.
She stayed with me and Letty stepped down. She thought herself no competition for that girl.
Things got ripped up between me and Gen. But in August, yet again I met with Letty, we talked about recent events because it had been a while, but then I found the sore spot again. After all this time and Letty doing so much with me, it scared me to think that this was the power I had over someone so... unbreakable.
She said: "I hate her.. She gets all your attention. She'll get to be the one you hold. Be the one you cherish. Be the one you'll always be around... She always had your eye.. Why do I pale in comparison... I don't even know what's wrong with me..."
It made me hurt inside, as I'm sure she intended. I felt bad but we went our seperate ways that day.
Year 5 - Final
Eventually the other girl went away again. But things with Gen never fixed, and knowing what was wrong with Letty, as she stopped trying to hide it, I was too torn to do anything.
Gen was hurt over what transpired that summer. She needed me to console her and I just couldn't. I was ripped apart inside, again because the girl who was always there was now in such despair. I did everything I could to help Letty, to make her happy, to make sure she was okay. I accidentally began neglecting Gen a bit, but she neglected what was obviously wrong with me... So I feel justified. Letty was always so happy around me and talkative. Until we rolled into early November.
Letty was leaving for Russia. She was going to stay there until she died.
To avoid hurting me.
She offered herself to me again, asking me to be her one and only time...
I yet again... refused. She smiled softly this time and told me I should go ahead with what I wanted then. And I knew then that I wanted the other girl.
It was a shock but I accepted it, it had to happen this way or it would be something terrible. But something in me hurt badly when she left in December, like I lost someone who would never be replaced.
The other girl from before came back though, and it was nice. We had December, and a bit of January, but she left again. It was okay though, with how Gen had been treating me I made up my mind.
By then Gen was completely self-absorbed about herself, couldn't acknowledge that I was ripped up and hurt and that my nothings were always something. I guess I expected too much Letty out of her. Letty called many times in the night, crying and panicked and I'd talk to her until she calmed down.
We were getting into early February now.
I broke up with Gen in mid-February, and Letty was happy for me. Gen threw a rampage but, I was focused on something else that time.
I got together with that other girl under Letty's advisement that I should focus, and give a girl who deserves it all the attention I have. And I'm certain Letty pushed me towards my true love. Pushed me into someone I thought I'd always be 5 steps behind. Even though I had wanted the other girl all along, I feel I would've just stayed in a support role if it weren't for Letty.
Funny how that works right?
Letty went silent for almost all of March, I don't know when it happened or how...
But Letty died somewhere between March 20th-23rd.
I got a farewell note, as well as $5, for a bet we made on one anothers deaths. I still can't look at the note without tearing up..
It said: "You won I guess. You bastard! I wanted that $5 for candy or something! Not that it'd be useful now... You know, you always intimidated me, your satirical gait and the way everything seems to bounce off you... I'm stupid for being in love with you... But I am... And have always been. You better show her something more than you showed me, because I gave everything for you.. Now grant that final wish. I really hate goodbyes, Yuuyuu. So.. can I just say... I promise we'll meet again? Sure. Some day, some where, we'll see each other. Heh, saying that makes having to die easier.
I love you Avery.. I always have..
And Always will... ALWAYS.
I can't remember much for the days after. The other girl did her best to make sure it all went well for me. But I remember reigning myself in and forgetting almost everything about Letty so I could make sure the other girl got the Attention she deserved. The attention I call my love. I was absolutely in love with the other girl.
And I feel that if Letty was so certain about me, despite the fact I never loved her. She was nothing more than... a best friend to me. The other girl, who I refuse to name here, because of personal reasons, she was who I loved, absolutely.
So this is Letty's story. And I wish I knew more so I could remind you all that I was trying.. but I guess it falls on deaf ears... and love is almost a oneway street.
I don't regret Letty... Not at all.